Those What if Days

Last Friday I changed my cover photo from one of our sweet Brea babe to a photo of Steven and I.

My eyes filled with tears.

Yep something as simple and superficial as changing a photo on Facebook … but it made me feel like I was saying goodbye again, it made me feel like I would forget about her because she wasn't on my FB profile.

Silly right?!

Silly or not it felt like very real guilt, like she was sitting in doggie heaven looking at me with those puppy eyes saying "don't you want me there anymore" {I over analyze things and pretend my dead dog is watching me - don't judge}

I knew changing my photo wouldn't make me forget her but there was that tug on my heart that made that day just a little harder. In loss and grief there are days that are easier than others and then there are those like last week when I was reminded of what could have been - and the days that we try and live in the "could have beens" with the "what ifs" those are the hardest days!

Slightly

I went to a concert last night and the first thing I did when I got home was pull up this brand new post. She {the singer} inspired me to write and I'm running with it because the will and want to write lately hasn't happened very much.

So here it is - the posts I like reading most on other people's blogs ... Honest Ones!

I have been in a rut and not a blogging rut because there was never a clean and/or clear pattern to my writing but more so I've been in a life rut - since March. What I've come to realize is you can hide from your feelings for so long before ultimately they bump crash into you! Now some things I single handily brought on myself like the fact that "if I became involved in 20 million things I wouldn't be able to think, therefor I would be fine" … and raise your hand if that has ever worked out for you *pssshh I know, I know I was just kidding myself.

In the spirit of true blogging transparency I think I was slightly depressed - {don't you like how before depressed I still find the need to say 'think' and 'slightly'} okay I was depressed aka sad, unhappy, downhearted. I let the grief get the best of me. I wasn't depressed in the clinical sense, sit in my room and hate myself I was just super sad and downhearted about our situation and while everyone around me was celebrating life milestones of happiness I was stuck in feeling sad no matter how happy I wanted {and tried} to be for them.



S O U R C E

My clarity moment in realizing I was slightly depressed came when we spent two weeks caring for a dog that was just not right for our family, in so so many different ways - I thought for sure that is what we needed when in reality I needed to come to terms with what was going on in my head and how I was actually feeling. {ps the dog has already found a lovely home}

I needed to start saying no and drop out of the 20 million things I'd signed up for since March. So I'm slowing it down {well I'm trying} and I'm taking some time for me. I'm praying again and building up my relationship with Him - feeling foolish I let it slide in the first place.
The best part of all of this, is now that I realize I was depressed {and I really think that is the most important - realization} I'm starting to feel unstuck!!

…
Have you ever thought  you were slightly depressed?? How did you handle it?

There is a Season

According to God (Ecclesiastes 3) there is a season for everything and not just season in terms of weather.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

I feel I'm caught in verse 4 - weeping, mourning; laughing, dancing. I have so much in my life to be thankful for, so many reasons to laugh but at the same time I feel stuck with all the feelings that come with loosing Brea.
365 days ago we met her for the first time and my heart was so full of joy, so excited that after the loss of Gunner we could have a family again, this time was going to be different - until it wasn't.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss her like crazy. As sad as it makes me that she is gone I have to read {and re-read) the verse above and know that God has a plan and this hurting is part of it.
With time I know the hurt will fade and a new season will begin!

Our Hearts Are Healing ...

Someone is just playing a cruel joke on us, right?!

I'll wake up tomorrow and it will be nothing more than a terrible nightmare, right?!

Oh, how I wish I was right ...

It happened - again.

My worst fear.

An Accident.

I am heartbroken.

He is heartbroken.

We are numb - there is a huge part of us missing.

We have had this type of loss once - the second time around is harder.

I am bitter and empty.

He is frustrated and pissed.

We cry.

We mourn.

We go on day by day
- desperately hoping to hear her collar jingle or her feet clipping across the floor.

But, what we have now are memories,
Memories of puppy we loved so unconditionally it hurts,
Memories of a puppy who was so much more than just a puppy.

- - -

Brea, We love you sweet sweet girl - Until we meet again…